ALifeLustWinter

It's been a long, long time but I suppose that comes with the territory. I can't lie and say it's all been easy but it hasn't been awful either. While christmas always seems to be a sad time of year for me, I love the snowfall and harsh beauty it affords and the newness that follows with spring. I love it because even though it seems like a cold,white wasteland, I know that underneath, everything is changing. So I embrace winters kiss and its changes. Because I know Spring is coming.

I'm finding the same changes going on too. I'm growing up a little more, becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin and being bad. Not bad in a tawdry way but bad in the sense that I'm fully aware and connected with myself emotionally and physically and in that awareness I am completely uninhibited and shameless. I AM. It's a beautiful, scary thing when I woman is absolutely at peace with herself and everything else because you can see that twinkle in her eyes and the glow coming from her and it makes you want to be apart of it. At least I think so.

So it's not like, I'm suddenly one with the universe. I'm still growing and changing and shoving my inner Bad Girl in the corner so my Good Girl can take control. But really, my Good Girl was formed by other people's opinions on who I should be and how I should act. My Good Girl is a clever ruse to fool everyone around me. She's not real. And really, being a good girl means being a BORED girl. And frankly, I'm TIRED of being a bored Good Girl. So Bad Girl is coming out to play. Like I said, I'm still growing and changing but as long as I am content in the knowledge that I am beautiful, shameless, fierce, wild and passionate as a woman, then my Bad Girl has finally risen to the fore and I am alive. It's a good feeling. Hvae you let your Bad Girl out?

Seattle.

Yes, Seattle. My cousins are really really excited for me to move over, I've made new friends over there that are really amazing and wickedly fun and my uncle is even considering letting me rent his house for less than he is currently asking. I really hope this pans out because I ADORE that house. It's the kind of house my dear Red would love to take pictures of. It's an old three story on a parcel of land amidst the new condo's and apartments going up. But it's been another home for twenty years of my life and I want to keep it that way. It's basically three apartments in one, minus the fact that it only has one bathroom. It's pretty close to anything you want to see or do and it's in a quiet, safe neighbourhood. Its beautiful. Needs to have its paint job finished but that can be done anytime. And I dare say I'd have a grand time redecorating and remodeling.

So the countdown begins. December 25th, 2010 I will be in this house. Or at the very least, IN Seattle, starting a new life, a new chapter.

ALifeLustWinter.

xoxo,
K

Galaxy December Sunset

Single Apparently

So it's been an even longer while since my last post. It's been nothing but work and school and service. I have two jobs, school started in September so all my energy was spent on just getting to meetings and trying to find a few hours to spend with G.

Speaking of which, he made mention before that the whole responsibility issue of having not only just a girl friend but one with a child was a lot for him to deal with. That I needed to be patient with him because he's only 21 and he just gets scared sometimes. I understand that and I've tried not to pressure him or anything like that. I wanted him to be with me on his terms, you know?

Well, he's been very distant and strange lately. He would want me to go out with him but he'd act upset about it when we were together and everytime I asked was what wrong he'd say nothing. I finally gave up this morning and asked him what was going on and here coming the 'overwhelemed' spiel. I know, I know; it IS a lot of responsibility and he's still young. But the Monster is so attached to him and he KNEW the job description when he started dating me. I guess what I don't understand is how it took him almost 9 months to realize that maybe, just maybe he's not really ready. But who knows, maybe it finally got to him.

Either way, I'm glad he finally said something before we got engaged or anything. I mean, the Monster asks for him everyday, he gets so excited when we all go out and the two of them are great together. So it kinda just crushed me when he told me that there wasn't anything I could do to make this easier on him. That he just had to make up his mind if he was really ready to be a dad or not.

I told him to go figure it out and let me know because I can't put Monster through us continuing on despite his doubts only to let him get MORE attatched and have him bail later. It's not fair to Monster. I didn't tell him that it really,really hurt me that he wouldn't hold my hand for more than five minutes all weeked...and I didn't tell him that I've been crying all morning because even though I've been thinking about breaking up, I'd realized that I really wanted to make things work and then to be hit with him not being ready....just broke my heart. I'd finally kinda overcome my fear that had crept in over the last couple weeks only to find myself where I didn't want to be.

Heartbroken and Alone.

I know I'll get over it and I know there's other guys out there. But the scary thought is that they will all be the same; Not ready to be a dad.

What's a single mom to do?

Xoxo,

K

Long Time Coming

So it's been a while eh?

I've been so out of touch with so many things lately its not even funny. I've been working, working, working and spending alot of time with G. While I adore G and my spiffy paychecks, it seems like neither lasts very long. Not like THAT you pervs :P. I mean that I see G for a few hours and then its time for him to go home, sleep and wake up to go back to work. And when the weekened finally rolls around, I have to work or something comes up.

Since I got the job as a hostess at Bird Cuisine, its going to be even more of a crunch on our time together but I can really, REALLY use the cash. And experience. I know it will work out somehow, I just...well, quite honestly, I hate coming home and not being able to come home to Monster and G. It's a tad depressing, not matter how many times G picks a fight because he's cranky from work. :)

That is something I love about G though. He may start an argument over nothing but he KNOWS its nothing, he KNOWS he started it and he always apologizes for it. I'm just easiest to pick on :P. But you know what? I can deal with that because I can a be a witch right back to him and will still be togther when all is said and done because we both know we were just being brats :)

On another note I've decided to write another book. It's got pygmy monkeys, 'nough said.

School starts in a month and the second tuition payment is due a month after that. I've got,.. at the most 6 or 7 pay checks to save up for this and pay up bills. As its stands right now, my pay check coming next week had better be 170+ or I think I'm rather sunk. How quickly my money goes out to everyone but me!!! Sad day.

Went to the county fair today with Red, Bother, Moneybags and G and Monster. Ihad a lot of fun but I had one of my headaches and I think it made G think I was mad about something. Which I wasn't, I was just happy to be with him but my headaches are just KILLER. And they make me just a TAD cranky :P

Red is moving to Florida in like 4 weeks. I'm sad. I wont be able to just drive on over and have coffee with her and watch Pride and Prejuidice with her whenever I want. I can't call her up out of the blue for coffee and there most certainly won't be any errand running or shopping going on either. I'm so glad she's going on an adventure, I'm just going to miss her terrbibly!!!! But hey, is Flordia, I'll just have to go visit and lounge on a beach somewhere with her the whole time!!! It evens out I guess.

Welp there's my miserable little update for all who care to know. I just took some headache meds and they make me rather sleep so I bid you all a good night!!

XoXo,

K

Weekends

BEST WEEKEND EVER!!!

Sooo we went to a bbq Saturday night. Mucho fun!! Except for nosy people but that's ok. Anyways, we ate and laughed and did flips that hurt like heck into the pool and then passed out on my amazing couch while watching SWAT.

Sunday we went to the boat races, walked for like a half hour IN the sun to find the Coke booth and then built a fire pit in Bother's backyard. We sacraficed a care bear as well, which was extremely entertaining. We have pictures too, which I'm totally excited to see. All in all a fabulous weekend I have to say.

I kind of feel like my life is catching up with me. Or maybe I'm falling behind. I don't know it's an awkward feeling but I don't mind, I like living in the chaos because theres always a beautiful surprise at the end.


Xoxo,

K

Bills, Bills, Bills

Ah pay day! Considering I've been gone for nearly three weeks, I'ms urprised I made the 40-something bucks I did. Not much but the bills for this month are paid and my next set of bills aren't due till the 17 of August. Bad news is my tuition is due the 14th and I have $30. Only $180 left to go! Hahaha I'll make it, I'd only need to work 20 hours between now and August 7. I cant make that :) Plus I'm going to let Wickers know that I can use more hours because I know she can use the extra help. As it stands, I'm going to have to figure something out for one of my other bills.

VS=10
SF=37
CC=25
Ticket=25
Dr.=50
Jo=25

Hm. This could get interesting :P

Xoxo,

K

Shake the Glitter off Your Clothes

Life is good. Very good indeed.

I wasn't dangerously close to falling in love with G. I was already IN love with him. A fact that frightened me so much that I tried pushing him away. It almost worked but unfortunately for Spokane Girl, G is rather fond of me too :).

Hopefully today is the day that Mike calls me to say, 'Congrats Gypsy, you go the job!' That would be great news for such a dull Thursday. I have to work, possibly all day tomorrow, and Saturday BUT I have most of Saturay evening off and Wickers said she'd give me Sunday so I can go to the Boat Races with G!! Exciting!!!! I've never been and I'd like to see them for the heck of it. Though that does mean I'll be missing the Art in the Park show. But theres always next year, especially if I don't care much for the Boat Races.

-WE INTERUPT THIS BLOGCAST FOR A SPECIAL MOTHERHOOD MOMENT-

Ahem. The Monster beckoned. :)

On another note, I'm going to warped tour this year! I'm so excited because I've been dying to go for YEARS. Epic I tell you, pure aw3some sauce! AND I've just made a deal with G. Once we settle on Terms and Conditions, I'll let you know xD. He can't buy a 6-pack for two months starting in August. I'm a little doubtful of his ability on this to be honest. Not because he's a mega drinker or anything but because he JUST turned 21. Where's the fun in not legally buying your booze?! But it's all good, I just hope he makes it interesting! ;)

There isn't much going on in this catwalk lass's life but its a beautiful life nonetheless and for YOUR information my darling Red, we DID go look at engagment rings. :P Mostly because he was curious about my dislike of tradtional diamond rings. And I told him as much. They're traditional, expensive and well, EVERYONE'S got one!! Hahaha, I don't think he understood. Or cared. Hahah oh well!!

So to my lovely following (somethings wrong with Blogger or with my computer because I can't tell whose following Runway and it makes oh so slightly nervous) hope the scorching weather treats you well and that all your surprises today are pleasant!

XoXo,

K

Five to Midnight

Its nearly midnight here and Im awake.

Too much on my mind I suppose. I usually try and keep myself so busy I can't even think about anything until I get home and go to sleep. that's usually when my plan backfires because then I'm thinking so much I can't sleep. It all catches up with me in the end. But once I fall asleep, I have 8 hours of uninteruppted...nothing. It's a beautiful thing.

More on that later.

The photo shoot didn't go exactly as my boss, Wickers, planned. We were missing one of the male models who said he'd show up and never did and we couldn't find anyone else who could show up, so we were all sent home and it will probably be rearranged for later. Unfortunately our DM is only here till Sunday and therefor Wickers in in a bit of a jam. Bummer but it happens.

Spent most of my day with Red. We ran errands, had TWO coffee stops and met up with L, Sam, G and Red's brother. I've yet to think of some kind of name for him. Bother should work fine though. Anyways, we all had lunch at Sheri's before Red and L split for work. Bother, Sam and G went with me and my Monster to the Batting Cages and then to DQ. All in all a wonderful way to waste my afternoon, considering I haven't seen G in over two weeks. It was excruiating, let me tell you :P

Though, tonight after a discussion with G about Monster (my son), we get into a tid bit of an argument. It all reaches a boil when he says, "Can't I tell you something without you making me feel bad for telling you?". I'm sorry for trying to consider hi's feelings and my sons. A most grieveous error on my part and I'll be sure to be never think about it again. I'll just assume everything and get mad at him for not meeting my assumptions.

Sigh.

I really dislike having disagreements with G because I end up feeling like its going to fall apart like the Great Deception. But its not anything like that so I'm safe. It's just that after....four months of dating and...a half a year of just hanging out and being friends, I dislike rocking the boat as it were. We rarely fight so when we do I feel like its much worse than it is. And sometimes I want to start an argument with him just for being so...so....irritating!!!! But I try not to because then we'll both be upset and starting arguing and while that's healthy, I'd rather we fight over something sudden rather than something I intended to start lol.

G is really...more than I expected. I'm grateful for that though. He took to Monster like he was his own and Monster loves to be with him which makes me very secure with how things are working with us. Yea, we fight. We argue, we sometimes purposely try to make each other feel bad but USUALLY we talk things out. We walk away from the situation to cool down and discuss things. I love that. If we can talk things out NOW, we can talk them out later.

Some people thought seeing him might have been a little soon, a little sudden. But they never stopped to think he was what I needed at the right time. That maybe the pace is just right for ME. They all think about whats best for me...in THEIR terms. And while I appreciate the concern, it irritates the hell out of me too.But what can you do? People who love you are going to bother you to no end :P.

Back to G. He's very loving and outgoing and he's not afraid to speak his mind or let me speak mine (God knows I'm going to anyways and he's GOING to listen lol) and he tries to meet me in the middle. We we started dating, I only asked him to be honest, no matter what he had to tell me and he wanted the same from me. So even when it might hurt him or me, we're honest.And he's not afraid to show me or anyone else that I'm his girlfriend. He's not afraid of showing affection or receiving it and that's amazing too. I don't feel so...heavy, in our relationship. I don't feel weighed down by all the things we don't say or do. I just feel happy. Safe.

And then the fear starts.

The things that make us happy never seem to last for long and I suppose my fear is that I'll wake up one day and that happiness, that comfortable, warm, loved feeling will be gone. It's a scary thought but everytime we're together or we have a fight that we work through, my confidence in it grows and my fear lessens. Its always there though, that whisper in the back of my mind that it will all go away because it always has.

I suppose, Red, thinking about it, that's what I meant when I said I was falling apart again. I felt like I was going to lose everything. That's the worst feeling in the world, feeling like you lost everything you have before you've even gotten it. It's vomit-inducing so I wont' dwell on THAT too long lol.

And that's what I meant when I said sleep is my escape. My mind works itself in circles, thinking of all the what-ifs and may-happens, have happened and never-wills and it makes me so sick. Physically sick. I can't eat, I can't sleep. And when I do its fitful and restless. Though, I manage to calm my mind most of the time and fall into that sweet oblivion of nothing before I wake up to do it all over again.

But my friends have been so AWESOME in being there for me and listening to my stupid rants and fears again and again and encouraging me that its ok. Just having them there to listen does wonders for my soul. It's healing and that's what I really need.

Maybe that's why I like G so much.

As callous and rough around the edges as he is, being with him is healing. He's home for however long we're together and it keeps me zenned, as it were :) It's a wonderful thing. We're not getting our hopes up but between you and me, Red, I think I'm very dangerously close to falling in love with him. Even though he drives me NUTS sometimes :P That's ok too.

And now that I've gotten THAT bit of dizzying, crazy whirlwind of thought out, I do believe sleep shall be very, very rewarding.

Wish me luck, congratulations or whatever on my interview tomorrow with my interview with Mike. I'd like the Second job very much as I have bills and not much money for Fun and Coffee.:P

Xoxo,

K

No Place Like Home

Home Again at last!!!

After an 8HOUR overlay, I'm finally home and ridiculously excited about it!!! I get to see Red, G and a few of my other friends before they go off and have adventures without me. Losers!!! ;)

Anyways, todays the big day. The photo shoot. I still have o buy the right shirt for it and throw in some laundry before I leave. And go pay my ticket. I hate handing over my cash to them but, alas, there's nothing to be done about THAT. Back to the Shoot.

I started working for The Company in March, and I thought I'd hate all the perfect size 0 blondes but instead, they were all pretty down to earth and loads of fun. My managers are AWESOME and I get pretty good hours. So in...um.. June, yea that's right, they asked me to do a photo shoot at the store. This may sound all super glamorous and what not but really it all boiled down to 8 of us all hot and mildly cranky in the front of the store while the DM snapped a baazillion photos with her digital camera. It was fun having everyone stop and wonder what we were doing though!

So while on my Great California Escape (I'll post pictures later) my boss Granola (its a long story about him) calls up wondering if I can do another when I get back. Heck yea I can! So I mosied on down to the local Company and bought the right jeans for it and am off to buy the shirt today as well. I'm very excited! It's simple and not exactly 'modeling' at its best or most spectacular but its fun anyways and its a start.

Now I'm off to pay the bills and have some coffee with Red, so I'll let you know how it goes!

XoXo,

K

I Can't Break Your Fall

I just read the funniest thing while I was creating my new, improved (though if it's new, how can it already be IMPROVED? Eh?) and totally awesome blog:

Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry.

Depending on the bird, that's pretty darn happy. I mean, it borders on delirous. I'd like that kind of happy right now. I could really use that kind of happy. I know, I know- I'm little sunshine on crack, how can I NOT be happy?? I'll tell YOU something, all you miserable know-it-alls out there. The biggest smiles hide the deepest pain. And sometimes, it even eases it a little. I'll do whatever it takes to make it stop hurting.

Some of you know my enitre lifes' story, some of you have pieces and some of you ARE the pieces. I love you all dearly, some more than you know and some more than others. So this is my chance to live in the present and stop faking it. And if I have to include some of you in my bracing reality smack, well so be it. I'll disguise your identities so none of you have to walk around shame-faced for knowing me :P

And on a side note, this may get intense. This may even get gut wrenching sad and even a bit emo like. That's ok because whatever I write here, its to express my feeling at that moment. Once its written, I forget about it because I can't hold on to that much emotion anymore. So if what I write scares you, hurts you or makes you feel a little too close to me, there's a back button on your browser. No one's keeping you here.

For those of you who chose to stay, well...let's have an adeventure shall we?

xoxo,

K.

P.s I thought I'd introduce the cast ;)


The Annoyingly confident friend, Mr. Smooth

The boyfriend, G. I'm lucky, I know

Red, my best friend. She's super glamprous and WAY too good for any of YOU.

The Mysterious Mr.O: Yes, he's very mysterious.


Please note these are NOT real pictures of my 'cast'. FYI. Because some people believe EVERYTHING they see on the internet.

Kids these days.