Single Apparently

So it's been an even longer while since my last post. It's been nothing but work and school and service. I have two jobs, school started in September so all my energy was spent on just getting to meetings and trying to find a few hours to spend with G.

Speaking of which, he made mention before that the whole responsibility issue of having not only just a girl friend but one with a child was a lot for him to deal with. That I needed to be patient with him because he's only 21 and he just gets scared sometimes. I understand that and I've tried not to pressure him or anything like that. I wanted him to be with me on his terms, you know?

Well, he's been very distant and strange lately. He would want me to go out with him but he'd act upset about it when we were together and everytime I asked was what wrong he'd say nothing. I finally gave up this morning and asked him what was going on and here coming the 'overwhelemed' spiel. I know, I know; it IS a lot of responsibility and he's still young. But the Monster is so attached to him and he KNEW the job description when he started dating me. I guess what I don't understand is how it took him almost 9 months to realize that maybe, just maybe he's not really ready. But who knows, maybe it finally got to him.

Either way, I'm glad he finally said something before we got engaged or anything. I mean, the Monster asks for him everyday, he gets so excited when we all go out and the two of them are great together. So it kinda just crushed me when he told me that there wasn't anything I could do to make this easier on him. That he just had to make up his mind if he was really ready to be a dad or not.

I told him to go figure it out and let me know because I can't put Monster through us continuing on despite his doubts only to let him get MORE attatched and have him bail later. It's not fair to Monster. I didn't tell him that it really,really hurt me that he wouldn't hold my hand for more than five minutes all weeked...and I didn't tell him that I've been crying all morning because even though I've been thinking about breaking up, I'd realized that I really wanted to make things work and then to be hit with him not being ready....just broke my heart. I'd finally kinda overcome my fear that had crept in over the last couple weeks only to find myself where I didn't want to be.

Heartbroken and Alone.

I know I'll get over it and I know there's other guys out there. But the scary thought is that they will all be the same; Not ready to be a dad.

What's a single mom to do?

Xoxo,

K