Five to Midnight

Its nearly midnight here and Im awake.

Too much on my mind I suppose. I usually try and keep myself so busy I can't even think about anything until I get home and go to sleep. that's usually when my plan backfires because then I'm thinking so much I can't sleep. It all catches up with me in the end. But once I fall asleep, I have 8 hours of uninteruppted...nothing. It's a beautiful thing.

More on that later.

The photo shoot didn't go exactly as my boss, Wickers, planned. We were missing one of the male models who said he'd show up and never did and we couldn't find anyone else who could show up, so we were all sent home and it will probably be rearranged for later. Unfortunately our DM is only here till Sunday and therefor Wickers in in a bit of a jam. Bummer but it happens.

Spent most of my day with Red. We ran errands, had TWO coffee stops and met up with L, Sam, G and Red's brother. I've yet to think of some kind of name for him. Bother should work fine though. Anyways, we all had lunch at Sheri's before Red and L split for work. Bother, Sam and G went with me and my Monster to the Batting Cages and then to DQ. All in all a wonderful way to waste my afternoon, considering I haven't seen G in over two weeks. It was excruiating, let me tell you :P

Though, tonight after a discussion with G about Monster (my son), we get into a tid bit of an argument. It all reaches a boil when he says, "Can't I tell you something without you making me feel bad for telling you?". I'm sorry for trying to consider hi's feelings and my sons. A most grieveous error on my part and I'll be sure to be never think about it again. I'll just assume everything and get mad at him for not meeting my assumptions.

Sigh.

I really dislike having disagreements with G because I end up feeling like its going to fall apart like the Great Deception. But its not anything like that so I'm safe. It's just that after....four months of dating and...a half a year of just hanging out and being friends, I dislike rocking the boat as it were. We rarely fight so when we do I feel like its much worse than it is. And sometimes I want to start an argument with him just for being so...so....irritating!!!! But I try not to because then we'll both be upset and starting arguing and while that's healthy, I'd rather we fight over something sudden rather than something I intended to start lol.

G is really...more than I expected. I'm grateful for that though. He took to Monster like he was his own and Monster loves to be with him which makes me very secure with how things are working with us. Yea, we fight. We argue, we sometimes purposely try to make each other feel bad but USUALLY we talk things out. We walk away from the situation to cool down and discuss things. I love that. If we can talk things out NOW, we can talk them out later.

Some people thought seeing him might have been a little soon, a little sudden. But they never stopped to think he was what I needed at the right time. That maybe the pace is just right for ME. They all think about whats best for me...in THEIR terms. And while I appreciate the concern, it irritates the hell out of me too.But what can you do? People who love you are going to bother you to no end :P.

Back to G. He's very loving and outgoing and he's not afraid to speak his mind or let me speak mine (God knows I'm going to anyways and he's GOING to listen lol) and he tries to meet me in the middle. We we started dating, I only asked him to be honest, no matter what he had to tell me and he wanted the same from me. So even when it might hurt him or me, we're honest.And he's not afraid to show me or anyone else that I'm his girlfriend. He's not afraid of showing affection or receiving it and that's amazing too. I don't feel so...heavy, in our relationship. I don't feel weighed down by all the things we don't say or do. I just feel happy. Safe.

And then the fear starts.

The things that make us happy never seem to last for long and I suppose my fear is that I'll wake up one day and that happiness, that comfortable, warm, loved feeling will be gone. It's a scary thought but everytime we're together or we have a fight that we work through, my confidence in it grows and my fear lessens. Its always there though, that whisper in the back of my mind that it will all go away because it always has.

I suppose, Red, thinking about it, that's what I meant when I said I was falling apart again. I felt like I was going to lose everything. That's the worst feeling in the world, feeling like you lost everything you have before you've even gotten it. It's vomit-inducing so I wont' dwell on THAT too long lol.

And that's what I meant when I said sleep is my escape. My mind works itself in circles, thinking of all the what-ifs and may-happens, have happened and never-wills and it makes me so sick. Physically sick. I can't eat, I can't sleep. And when I do its fitful and restless. Though, I manage to calm my mind most of the time and fall into that sweet oblivion of nothing before I wake up to do it all over again.

But my friends have been so AWESOME in being there for me and listening to my stupid rants and fears again and again and encouraging me that its ok. Just having them there to listen does wonders for my soul. It's healing and that's what I really need.

Maybe that's why I like G so much.

As callous and rough around the edges as he is, being with him is healing. He's home for however long we're together and it keeps me zenned, as it were :) It's a wonderful thing. We're not getting our hopes up but between you and me, Red, I think I'm very dangerously close to falling in love with him. Even though he drives me NUTS sometimes :P That's ok too.

And now that I've gotten THAT bit of dizzying, crazy whirlwind of thought out, I do believe sleep shall be very, very rewarding.

Wish me luck, congratulations or whatever on my interview tomorrow with my interview with Mike. I'd like the Second job very much as I have bills and not much money for Fun and Coffee.:P

Xoxo,

K